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“No, I am not going to do that.”
A teen’s stubborn will can be like a brick wall.
I usually take my daughter’s cell phone when she responds with disrespect. Then I’ll add a day or chore for each defiant remark.
One time she stacked up 5 days in just a few minutes.
Usually when my daughter and I butt heads, I know it’s a mood that will pass and our relationship will fall back onto its foundation of love and connection.
I believe the relationship and bonds we create with our children will get us through the strong-willed battles of the teen years.
Author of If I Had a Parenting Do Over Jonathan McKee, recently spoke at my church and shared about the importance of bonding with our children.
When McKee researched for his book he asked parents what their number one do-over was. Most parents wished they’d connected with their kids more.
Only 2 percent polled wished they had applied more boundaries.
Boundaries are essential, but we can get so concerned with setting and enforcing them that we miss out on opportunities to connect.
As I thought about ways I’ve connected with my teen, these are the areas that have had a positive impact on our relationship.
Be The One She/He Can Talk To
I want my children to feel like they can come to me with anything. Start building open communication when children are young. #parentingteens Share on X Young kids are eager to spend time with you. Plus, you get the added advantage that they think you have all the answers, even when you don’t.
This is one reason I think parents should start teaching children about sex education in age-appropriate ways before they hear it from peers at school.
I read my daughter an age- appropriate book series called God’s Design For Sex, starting when she was 7 years old (Before I Was Born).
This has opened the door of communication as she has gotten older. To this day, she is not afraid to ask me questions.
Balance Bonding and Boundaries
“Pick up your shoes! Put your dish in the dishwasher.”
There are times I come downstairs into the TV room and my kids hide from me because they know I’m going to tell them to clean up their mess.
Instead of barking out orders like a drill sergeant I need to express my values and needs, make sure they’ve heard my heart correctly, and make requests. This helps build empathy, creating bonds that make them more willing to help.
Some of the most meaningful conversations with my kids occur after bedtime when one of them sneaks into my room to hug me (one last time) and we end up talking for hours.
For me, allowing the bedtime boundary to be broken every now and again when sensing a good bonding opportunity has opened the doors to some great conversations.
The rest of this post is featured at Ruthie Gray’s blog.
I would love for you to hop on over and read the next 2 important ways to connect with your teen.
I share an important moment where I’m glad I didn’t take the teenage attitude personally.
Hello there! I'm Valerie, a mom of four and wife of 27 years. My writing inspires others to cultivate courageous faith and find solace in trusting God, especially in moments of fear and uncertainty. Join me on this adventure as we explore the beauty of trusting God when we are afraid. 
My kids are still young, but I have a theory that if I start healthy communication now, it won’t be a strange thing when I want to talk to them when they are older
I believe in that theory too Anne! I have 4 kids and the time goes by so fast. I’m learning I have to be even more intentional to spend one on one time with them in order to keep those lines of communication open.
Valerie-I can so relate to this, it’s like walking a tightrope of balanced love, discipline, letting go while reigning them in…some days it seems more exhausting than when they were toddlers! Thanks for your wisdom-happy to share and pin!
It sure is, Jill! Thank you so much for sharing.
Valerie,
I love this post. And I love the Mama you are! So wise and so patient ♥ I know my boys want to melt into the sofa often as I come into the room, too! I mean, goodness! How does one have so many food wrappers, cups, cans and at lease 2 pair shoes each all laying around them in a less than 2-hour span?!! Argh! But I know I need to pick my battles for sure!
Thank you for the wisdom and HOPE!
Hugs,
Lori
Thank you Lori! I’m a work in progress for sure!
You know, when I was given the idea of creating a course with my daughter, I did not realize how much it would connect us. It really has drawn us closer to each other. I’ve caught glimpses of things I didn’t know about her before. I’ve watched as she ministered and shared her own wisdom with girls her age and younger. It was truly an amazing experience. Thanks for sharing on Grace and Truth, Valerie! I have chosen to feature your post this week. Be sure to get your “I was featured” button.
What a blessing to be featured on Grace and Truth! Thank you so much Aimee. I helped lead a small group for teens and I saw the same things you mentioned seeing with your daughter. It’s so neat to hear teens help each other out and share how God has worked in their own life. Blessings to you!
Good wisdom here, Valerie. Intrigued for the rest. Clicking over now.
Thank you Kelly!
I don’t have any teens, yet. But I really appreciate this advice for in the future. My husband and I really want to create a safe place for our children to come and trust us, especially for those times they need us the most. Knowing there are challenges in each stage, I pray that the foundation we are setting now with them helps the teen transition.
Thank you Denise! I’m still bracing myself for more of the teens, lol! My son just turned 12 and 2 more behind him!
Wouldn’t it be great if we could have do-overs? We have raised three into adult hood and have a 6 year old now, she gets the best of us as we’ve learned from our mistakes with the first 3. Getting your child’s heart when they are young is so very vital….then the discipline part of it is so much easier!
I too love those long talks with my ‘old’ teen and young 21 year old, they are great combos of adult conversations where they still believe I have valuable information to share, and that small child believing I hung the moon.
I am your neighbor today at Cheerleaders of Faith link up, God bless you!
I would sure love some do-overs. My children are so forgiving when I admit fault and apologize. The power of forgiveness from others gives us just a hint of God’s immense forgiveness towards us. I’m so glad you stopped by Jennifer!
Hi Val, love this post! Just as you’ve shared here, I’ve learned that what I thought were the worst years have turned out to be what I consider the best years…I can see that now as a mom of four adults. And kuddo’s for seeing past your daughter typical teen behavior in telling you she’d prefer Dad to go with her because – no mama drama! You looked past it and she was so glad for it! Thanks so much for encouraging us to not parent on based on emotion. Blessings to you and your family!
Kudos to you for raising 4 adults. Wow! I think it’s going to be so hard for me to let go and watch joy kids leave the nest someday. Tiffiney, I always love your visits. Thank you!
Heading over to Ruthie’s site, but I know that keeping that relationship is the most important thing with a teen. Without a relationship why do they want to obey you or listen or spend time with you? I heard that advice when my children were small and it has been so valuable. During power struggles or hard times, I always remind myself that the relationship must win,.
So true Theresa! I hope to keep a good relationship with my kids throughout their life. Thank you so much for visiting.
Some great info here! I too believe that it is SO important to build the communication with our kids when they are young! This has greatly helped me with parenting my teens.
Thanks for writing this.
-Rachel (your link up pal @ faith filled fridays) 😉
Hi Rachel, Thank you for stopping by. Have a great day!
So many things I would do differently. But my daughter is 38 with teens of her own. Good ideas here.
Hi Debbie. I’m sure you did the best you knew how. Parenting is so hard. When I’ve failed, God’s grace is always there to give me another chance to do it differently. Blessings to you friend!
Thank you for this encouragement. I have a 12 year old – and normally compliant and sweet, she has a little more edge to her. I know it’s normal, but sometimes it’s hard to parent!
I know what you mean. It’s hard to let go of the younger years and adjust to that edge. Blessings to you Melissa.
Such an important topic! Thank you for sharing to help parents connect well with their teens. Sometimes it can feel like a minefield 😉
Yes it can Becky!
Spending more time when my son was little is my biggest regret. I had him when I was a teen. I wanted nothing to do with him, I wrote about it on my blog. Anyway now he will be eighteen in two weeks and I am freaking out.
I agree with speaking to your kids about sex, I believe that is how I ended up knocked up at 17. My mom never talked time about it! I can still recall how I was bullied because I thought babies came from heaven after you married. I was in middle school!
Hi Mari, They grow up so fast. You were so young yourself, so give yourself grace and know that you are the mom meant just for your son. You are not too late because God can redeem all things. I’m a firm believer that it’s so important for parents to talk with their children about sex before they find out from their peers. Starting when kids are young makes it so much less awkward and opens the lines of communication in the future. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment.
I love the connection o have with my daughter and we abide with these suggestions at our home as well. Heading to full post! Thanks for writing
Thank you for reading and hopping over Tina!