“If we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself.” Timothy 2:13
I left the conference a few hours early. My dreams felt poked by a pin, slowly deflating any hope I had to write. Critique appointments were helpful, but edits had me doubting my ability and even my calling to write the book on my heart.
Maybe writing is just too hard for me? I need too much help.
The first morning of the conference, I felt both nervous and excited about what God was going to do. As I picked up my eyeshadow palette and leaned toward the mirror, I felt the Lord speak to me.
God’s out-of-the-blue voice is not unfamiliar. I hear it a lot. But I also second-guess it a lot and wonder if my own thoughts are playing tricks on me. This time, it seemed clear whose voice it was. And I believed it.
I’m going to show you favor at this conference. I’m going to bless you.
Wow, God. Thank you!
But the coaching appointments didn’t feel like favor from God.
“I don’t understand what you’re saying here. You’re telling here not showing. I would take this part out.”
I wasn’t sure if I could keep trying anymore. I’d spent the year revising a book proposal only to have to start the first chapter over—again.
There was an award ceremony on the last day for those who entered the writing contest. If I stayed and my name wasn’t called, then the whisper I thought was from God would turn out to be my own hopeful wishing. I didn’t think I could take that. Because then maybe the call from him to write— all the time, money, and effort I’d put into it—was just that—my own wants, hopes, and dreams.
Who am I to think that my name will be called out of all these people—that God would really have favor on me?
I remembered the three contests I’d entered in years past. I told myself NOT to be discouraged if my name wasn’t called. But each time, I inhaled a breath of anticipation and exhaled a sigh of disappointment as I clapped my congratulations for the winners.
So, instead of walking to the next workshop, I walked to my car and drove home.
Mommy’s here! My kids ran to hug me and my dog almost knocked me over.
I unloaded my purse and laptop bag onto the formal table and noticed a package from my friend Denise.
The note inside read:
The book I’m writing is about facing fear, but I hadn’t thought about being fearless in the pursuit to write it. I wanted to give up. Stop chasing. Stop pursuing.
I laid the shirt on the ottoman to take a picture and dropped to my knees, crying. The timing couldn’t be anything but perfect. I knew it was God!
Are you happy or sad mommy? I’m going to make you cookies in my Easy Bake Oven so you feel better.
I hugged my three girls—answers to six years of desperate prayers for children. Evidence of God’s faithfulness, when my faith was weak.
After eating a few miniature cookies, I went upstairs and the woman who can never nap ?♀️ (even after birthing children) slept for two hours.
I woke up and I looked at my phone messages.
“Congratulations! You won third place in nonfiction!”
Tears wet my cheeks once again, a mixture of both praising God for his trustworthy voice and sorrow over my lack of faith in it.
And although I wish I would have had the faith to stay so I could walk up on that stage and receive God’s blessing, my heart is grabbed by the unconditional, unmerited faithfulness of a God who loves me even when I’m faithless. Even when I should know better.
Even when I’m writing a book about facing fear and trusting in God’s voice to lead me, and then I don’t.
When we are too weak to have any faith left, God remains faithful!
(2 Timothy 12:13)
My book about my struggle to have faith in the face of fear won’t be written by someone who has arrived. It will be written by an overcomer, who has come a long way, but who’s still overcoming. It’s a book for people like me—the strugglers walking the road to freedom from fear, who still fall down but get back up when God shows up and says, “Keep it up.” It’s for the ones who want to follow God’s voice but sometimes have a hard time trusting it. It’s for those who need to know God uses the weak and the stories of those whose walk sometimes becomes a crawl.
It’s for the ones who exhale a sigh of disappointment when their name isn’t called and silently want to give up chasing their dreams.
Maybe I should like contests now, but I’m still not sure I do. I understand the innate drive of competition—not everyone gets an award. I get that. But in God’s kingdom, we don’t have to wait to see if our name is called.
Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.
Isaiah 40:26
I imagine he hands each of us a certificate, shakes our hand and urges us to keep fighting and pursue the calling he placed on our hearts—for his higher purpose. And then a spiritual battle ensues.
So we put on our boxing gloves and punch the fear that threatens to stop us. When doubt knocks us down, we get back up and praise the God who is faithful even when we’re not—the God who says he will do it, when we feel like we can’t.
Has God called you to do something hard? Don’t give up! Scholars believe it took Noah over 100 years to build the ark. By the time the flood came, he was 600 years old!
If you need prayer to help you persevere, I would be happy to pray for you. Just leave your request in the comments.
I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Hello there! I'm Valerie, a mom of four and wife of 27 years. My writing inspires others to cultivate courageous faith and find solace in trusting God, especially in moments of fear and uncertainty. Join me on this adventure as we explore the beauty of trusting God when we are afraid. 
Hi Valerie, i enjoy your Cord 6 articles and always look foerward to receiving yout email. I need prayers to persevere in pursuing ny dreams of starting my wellness & hospitality business. Sometimes i get so overwhelmed by the challenges of marriage & life that I tend to lose focus and start doubting my abilities.. I left formal employment in 2013 because I believe that this path is what God willed for me however, as years pass by I feel despondent. Please pray for me so that I do not lose hope.
Mase, Thank you so much for your kind words about my posts. It’s so easy to become discouraged, I know. I’m praying for you now that the Lord will encourage your heart and guide you to his next step for you. If he is calling you to start this business, he will equip you. He will guide you. He will help you! I’m never quite sure what the end result is, but all I know is that he wants us to enjoy the journey with him no matter where it leads. May your hope be filled up to the brim in Christ’s great love for you when challenges of marriage and life get in the way. Dear Jesus, Bring peace to Mase. I’m sure she is feeling stressed about leaving her job in 2013 to follow this dream. Lord, open the doors for her. Make clear your path. Steady her heart when she feels overwhelmed by the stress of life. Provide for their needs. May the joy of her salvation bring her hope today. In Jesus Name, Amen.
I sit here crying as I read this. God has been speaking to me about being fearless. Just yesterday at my church the guest Pastor said: “Fear is the dream killer and to defeat it we must fall in love with the dream Giver and replace fear with fearless.” God is speaking to me now thru this article that I “randomly” found on Pinterest. Thank you for sharing and know that God is using your writing.
Charity, I pray that whatever it is the Lord is putting on your heart, you would feel the power of the Holy Spirit quench the spirit of fear. The Lord helps us and remains faithful even when our circumstances cause us to doubt the dream. Your comment was also not “random” timing and was used by God at just the right time to encourage my heart. He reveals His love towards us in our times of discouragement.
Thank you Lord! I’m praying for you Charity.
First of all, congratulations, Valerie! “God’s out-of-the-blue voice” is always heard in the most perfect of times. This bravery to keep doing what we know our heart has been called to is real, and God is so tender and personal in his encouragement. Standing with you and cheering you on!
Crystal, reading your comment sure blessed me today. Thank you. God’s love towards us is powerful, tender and personal. It overwhelms me. I sure appreciate you and your ministry.
Valerie …. When you wrote there was a writing contest, I knew you would win before you told us! Authors that are transparent about their struggles are the ones I want to read. I’ll be one of the first to buy your book ?! Thankful to Denise who gave you encouragement just when you needed it … that’s how God loves on us :).
Thank you Liz! You are such an encouragement to me. I’m so thankful for our small group!
Well, Well, well. Congratulations on the award, Valerie. I speak from experience. When you begin to put pen to paper or fingers to a keyboard to share the truths of God’s Word, you will be tested severely, friend. However, God will also bring people alongside to help, support, and encourage as you’ve experienced here. I’m glad to read you’ve had this trial. Keep pressing forward in God’s strength and may He bless your writing exploits. You will be in my prayers as you seek to glorify Him with your Spirit-infused words. Be well, and God bless you in all your endeavors. In Christ.
Thank you so much for your encouragement Horace. Your story sure inspires me to press on and move forward in God’s strength.
Oh Valerie I’m in tears reading this. I love our friendship and how God uses such small simple moments to speak to our hearts!
THANK YOU for listening to God’s voice Denise. I was amazed at the PERFECT timing when that package was sitting on my table the moment I walked in the house. Your obedience reminds me to do the same when I feel God leading me to do something for someone. I hope we get to meet IRL someday. Love you!
Your words are beautiful and they bless me today my friend. YOU are beautiful, you are fierce, you are brave and God has a mighty, wonderful purpose for you friend. You are a brave warrior! I love you! Keep on trusting in Him. xoxo
I can say the same about YOU, my friend. Thanks for inspiring me to trust in Jesus no matter what. Love you!
“I imagine He hands each of us a certificate, shakes our hand and urges us to keep fighting and pursue the calling he placed on our hearts—for his higher purpose.”
I know you encouraged me today, my dearest friend. How the Devil wants us to doubt our calling and writings but the Lord wants us to keep on going . We are His purpose , and there is no quitting to His calling.
I am cheering you on my friend and sister. Congratulations for winning 🙂 I love that T shirt by the way 🙂
I appreciate your support. It means so much to have friends like you.
I loved reading this and I’m so encouraged by your story. Congrats on the award! You are a fear fighter and you inspire me. I remember when I was writing a book about letting go of worry and trusting God- and it seemed like I never had more opportunities to do just that, than during that time. There were some difficult times. That t shirt is awesome. I can’t wait to read your book.
I loved your book Dawn, and I can’t wait for the next one. Thank you so much for your friendship and support.