Do you feel desperate for real help in your difficult marriage?
In Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away, author Gary Chapman talks about how to deal with a spouse who is
- irresponsible;
- a workaholic;
- controlling;
- uncommunicative;
- verbally, physically, or sexually abusive;
- unfaithful;
- depressed;
- or substance abuser.
This book offers sound and practical help for some really hard situations. It provides real-life stories of how relationships were restored and healed. Oftentimes, the catalyst to influence change started with one spouse who had to learn how to love through setting some boundaries.
This book is not about staying in abusive relationships or miserable marriages but about learning how to apply “reality living” and sometimes tough love in order to heal unhealthy marriages.
“You cannot determine another’s choices. You can, however, make wise choices.”
Chapman doesn’t pretend that he can provide a magic formula to bring healing to all marriages. But he believes, through his own experience in counseling, research in the field, and sound moral principals, that there is hope for the hardest of marriages.
Chapman identifies 4 myths of marriage that keep us captive. He seeks to help readers learn reality living by recognizing 6 ways we control our own attitude and actions.
“This book will explore the nature of problems in desperate marriages and encourages you to dismiss these myths and take steps toward healing rather than sinking deeper into the misery of such relationships.”
Myths:
- My environment determines my state of mind.
- People cannot change
- In a desperate marriage, I have only two options—resigning myself to a life of misery or getting out of the marriage.
- Some situations are hopeless—and my situation is one of those.
Realities:
- I am responsible for my own attitude.
- My attitude affects my actions.
- I cannot change others, but I can influence others.
- My emotions do not control my actions.
- Admitting my imperfections does not mean that I am a failure.
- Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world.
Many are familiar with Gary Chapman’s best-selling book “The Five Love Languages” based on reality #6.
“When you choose to reach out with a loving attitude and loving actions toward your spouse in spite of past failures, you create a climate where the two of you can resolve conflicts and confess wrongs. Reality living says, “I will choose the road of love because its potential is far greater than the road of hate.”
Sometimes I think it can be hard to know what the road of love looks like when you’re dealing with some of the abusive and addictive kinds of relationships the book talks about. Chapman helps readers know how to apply both tender and tough love to real-life situations.
“If your loving acts do not produce positive changes within your desperate marriage, then perhaps it’s time for tough love. Tough love is no less love. In fact, it may be the only kind of love your spouse can receive. It may be even more difficult to express than tender love. In experiencing such tough love, you may have to go against the emotion of fear of what your spouse will do when you take such loving action. Reality living reminds you that your emotions need not control your actions. Love asks the question, “What is the best thing I can do for my spouse?” Tender or tough, love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world.”
This is a great sequel to The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
I received a free copy of this book from Moody Publishing in exchange for my honest review.
Hello there! I'm Valerie, a mom of four and wife of 27 years. My writing inspires others to cultivate courageous faith and find solace in trusting God, especially in moments of fear and uncertainty. Join me on this adventure as we explore the beauty of trusting God when we are afraid. 
Nice article. And everyone appreciates the books–like you say the smell of a new book and the anticipation of reading the book.
I love the anticipation of reading a new book too.
Valerie, Thank you for sharing with Grace & Truth Christian Link-Up. This looks like an amazing book.
Thanks Maree! Have a great day!
Hey Val, from your review I can tell that this book is the real deal. It was refreshing to hear how Gary believes there is hope for even the toughest marriages. I so believe that! I love the myths and the realities. Just loved them! Great review!
It sure is the real deal! I believe this book will help a lot of people.
I am a huge Gary Chapman fan, but I didn’t know about this book. Your review is great Valerie. It is sometimes hard to know what the road of love looks like, especially when one is at risk of losing themselves in the difficulties of a destructive marriage. I’m sill learning that the right form of love (including tough love) can pave the way for honest connection and communication where conflict can be handled in less destructive ways.
” It is sometimes hard to know what the road of love looks like, especially when one is at risk of losing themselves in the difficulties of a destructive marriage.” Yes, to this Crystal! That’s why I’m so glad Chapman wrote this book! Such a needed message.
Great review, Valerie! I loved that you added some practical takeaways from the book to whet our appetites for more. And I’m also glad Chapman mentions the need for intervention with “tough love” (which is still love) when the situation calls for it. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts!
Thank you. I thought it was helpful that Chapman showed examples of what tough love might look like when setting boundaries.
This article is the need of today…. Recently, I was burdened by the hurts other women facing in marriage relationships, I was wondering how I could help…. The rejections, the loneliness, the hurts… they are not able to overcome… There is no magic formula, but there is a solution for every problem…. Thank you for this review..
Thank you Sara. I read so many comments from women who are hurting and it pains my heart too. There’s no magic formula and every relationship is so unique with it’s own set of unhealthy patterns and ways of relating. But it’s comforting to know that God knows, loves and cares for each person and desires healthy relationships just as much as we do. And He’s there to help guide us.
Love this quote…“You cannot determine another’s choices. You can, however, make wise choices.” I think this is sometimes difficult because we think about making choices to effect what the other person would do. But our unconditional love is what should lead us to make wise choices no matter what the other person does. That is what God expects us to do. Great post. Pinned to share with our Living Our Priorities community. Stopping by from By His Grace Bloggers.
Great insight about the motivation of our heart when making choices. Our choices should made out of love for the other person and for the health of the relationship, not to manipulate. Thank you for sharing!