Grief was like a dark cloud, suffocating the room with its anesthetic, crippling the mind of making sense of this new reality. Some of us were weeping and some stood in shock as the body of my husband’s dear mom—my mother-in-law—lay lifeless on the floor, her soul now rejoicing in the presence of God. I thought maybe God would shine a ray of light or give some sign of her presence in Heaven to give us hope here on earth. But the sorrow was so thick it was hard to see.
Lord, why don’t you relieve this blackness?
Our Pastor pointed out the sparrow picture above her bed that said, “His eye is on the sparrow and He watches over me.”
I never noticed the picture before. But the words darted out from the frame right into my heart–once again.
But this time the richness of those words stood stagnant in the stale air as my only doubting thought silently screamed, “If you were watching over her then why did you let her die?”
My pastor didn’t even know the meaning those words had in my life. All the moments leading up to this when God ministered to me, revealing the confirmation of His love for me during times where I felt like my prayers were left unanswered.
I had doubted the truth of Matthew 6:26 before.
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? (Matthew 6:26 NIV)
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (Matthew 10:29-31 NIV)
Its truth had been revealed to me over and over again until I believed it with all my heart.
And now here I was again questioning His love for me, God why did you allow my 7-year-old daughter to be alone with her deceased body that morning?
My mother-in-law had a brain aneurism and died in her sleep the same night my daughter spent the night at her house. When Madeline woke up she tried waking her Grandma up. She hugged her and got ice for her knee that she previously had surgery on. She tried helping her out of bed until the weight of her lifeless body fell to the floor. She took the popcorn they made together the night before while watching a movie and had her smell it.
“Grandma, I’m hungry wake-up!” She tried to open her eyelids. Then she went into another room and began to draw pictures. She drew pictures to try and make sense of it.
“Grandma I’m sorry that you peed the bed.” She repeatedly tried waking her up and then would go back to drawing.
“gma I’m sry you dyd” with pictures of herself weeping. I found stacks of pictures and notes on the coffee table.
Just two years previous, my father-in-law passed away on a hospital bed as my husband and brother-in-law performed CPR until their shirts were saturated in sweat. But he was not coming back. My heart ached for my husband now dealing with the loss of his mother in such a sudden manner and being the one to discover that she had died.
As I looked at the sparrow picture hanging above her bed, I remembered the same doubt I felt 10 years ago when I saw the small birds chirping in the trees. I had been trying to have a baby. All I wanted was to be was a mother.
I looked up and told God that I didn’t believe He could actually really care about a bird falling from a tree when he didn’t even care about me. I was so tired of the monthly disappointment that it felt like he just didn’t care. When I came home I randomly opened my Bible and the highlighted: Matthew 26 seemed to jump out at me. I knew it was God telling me that it was true. He does care.
During the course of 6 years of infertility and 14 failed artificial inseminations, God would reveal his love to me through our own special sign—the sparrow. I received calendars with pictures of Jesus tenderly holding a sparrow. I would see them and hear them at the exact moment I needed after a failed insemination.
But now here I was again, doubting.
Funeral preparations were in full swing. My daughter had taken home some of Grandma’s worship CDs.
She didn’t know that I was in the other room quietly weeping. I had held the tears in and they just decided to flow.
My grief was suddenly quieted when I heard the sounds of worship. I stopped and listened intently realizing I was hearing the words to the song “His Eye is On The Sparrow.”
I didn’t even know my daughter knew how to put a CD in the boom box or that we even had this song.
Once again, the Lord was giving me my sign of His love for me.
Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Refrain:
I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
I soaked in every word of that song and thanked God for his persistence to remind me once again that He is present, near and full of love for me.
I share this with you because I want others to know that God’s presence is near in grief even when we don’t feel Him. He is there and He loves you.
When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”
(1 Corinthians 15:45, 54-55 NIV)
Hello there! I'm Valerie, a mom of four and wife of 27 years. My writing inspires others to cultivate courageous faith and find solace in trusting God, especially in moments of fear and uncertainty. Join me on this adventure as we explore the beauty of trusting God when we are afraid. 
Hi Valerie,
I can only imagine the grief you and your family experienced when you lost your mother-in-law. Having the sparrow be an incredibly meaningful symbol for you is beautiful; I love how God’s word can be so personal and timely. I personally have not experienced infertility, but a close aunt of mine is dealing with it and many other friends. To know that God was able to do this miracle of letting you become a mother is so encouraging!
My husband and I recently started a testimony’s website called Love Made Known and we were wondering if we could share your testimony as a form of encouragement? This is the website: https://lovemadeknown.com
Please let me know if we can share your beautiful testimony on our site. God bless you, Valerie! I pray that God would continue to shine His light through your life. 🙂
– Aileen
Hello Aileen,
I’m so glad you stopped by. I would be happy for you to share my post on your website. I look forward to reading other testimonies there. I will also be writing a post in the future about my journey through infertility. Thank you for your kind comment.
Great! Thank you so much for the opportunity, Valerie!
We ask our contributor’s to provide us with a profile picture, a mini bio and any social media links they’d like to be contacted at! Can you please send us the information via e-mail? I’d like to send you the preview post before it goes on the site as well! 🙂
Our e-mail is: share@lovemadeknown.com
Thank you so much!
God bless you 🙂
Valerie, this story brought tears to my eyes for several reasons. First, for your precious daughter and how she responded to such a scary situation … I’m so glad she is OK. For the pain of your infertility journey (which I know so well) and the joy of motherhood that now surrounds you. And finally, because of the bird connection … for me, it’s the cardinal, but whether it’s through cardinals or sparrows, I love how God can use something as simple as a bird to speak love to His children. 🙂
It’s an honor to meet you Lois! I’m so glad to have discovered your blog and your talent for writing! I can’t wait to read more… especially about your infertility journey and your connection with the cardinal. Many blessings to you!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us, Valerie. My heart broke for you, your daughter, and your husband as I read your words. My sweet grandma passed away when I was 16, and while the circumstances were different, I was the one who told everyone that she had stopped breathing. That moment is sacred for me, now. Watching someone I love take her final breath — her last breath before she entered into His Glorious Embrace.
I love how you shared your struggle with believing that His eye is on us, and how He revealed to you in little reminders that truth of that verse.
Thanks, again, for sharing. May God’s peace and comfort envelop you. <3
Thank you Kelsey! The miracle of it all is that my daughter views her experience the same way. She felt that it was an honor to be the last one to get to spend the night with her grandma. I was so fearful that she would be impacted negatively. She never had one nightmare. I was told by many she would need counseling. I took her once to be evaluated and she was fine. God is so good! I’m sorry for the loss of you Grandma. It’s good to know that our loved ones are happy in the presence of God.
I sing this song often for funerals, and it has special meaning to me, as well. My heart breaks for your girl and the tragedy of your sudden loss. Praise the Lord, He is always faithful to speak truth when we need it most. Thanks for linking with us last week at Grace and Truth!
Jen @ Being Confident of This
Hi Jen,
I would love to hear you sing His Eye Is on The Sparrow. I’m sure it’s beautiful! Thank you for your compassionate comment and for reading my post.
Praying for your family right now. God is good, even in the bad. Circumstances and even death doesn’t change WHO HE IS. Praying His truth and grace will comfort you and your family.
Thank you so much Sarah!
What a beautiful song for such a difficult moment….I had never heard it before reading this post.
I’m so glad it blessed you Kristi! Thank you for your comment.
I hope that you find the light in the darkness and an ending to your sorrows.
Thank you Betsy.
Oh, I can not even imagine the depth of your family’s hurt. I love the song and the image of the sparrow and God watching over us. My family just recently said good bye to my mother in law as well.
Cathy
I’m so sorry for your loss. I pray that God will comfort your family and give you peace. Thank you for your kind comment.
Meant to say …for FOLOWING His Voice…darn Autocorrect?
Kimberly
My Dear Valerie-
I love u my beautiful amazing friend!!!
This was EXACTLY what the Lord wanted me to read today!!!
Thank u for your heart for Him and His people and your desire to minister to them/us!!!
Thank u also for listening to His Voice and flowing His direction in writing your entries…this one felt like it was just for me??!!!
❤️Kimberly
Yay, I am so glad it encouraged you and helped you. It means so much to know that what I am doing is helping others! Thank you for being my friend and supporting me through everything! I love you!
Valerie, I am in tears, grieving AND celebrating with you. Hugs, from a friend who has experienced grief as well.
Please share on the DanceWithJesus Linkup at SusanBMead.com/family-in-linkup/ Your words will bless others there.
Susan
Hello Dear Susan,
Thank you for reading and commenting. I love your blog! I would love to share this on your DanceWithJesus Link up! May God bless you!
Love,
Valerie
Valerie, so blessed to see your magnificent words here. You bless so many with your stories. Thanks for sharing. Hugs. Susan
and God is still in the midst of it all, no matter what
Amen!
Your words of faith brought me right back to that day. I so miss Marty’s friendship. I miss her beautiful smile that began in her eyes and made you feel like she had been waiting just for you. I miss laughing with her, praying with her and just doing life with her. I can picture her holding my little Angelina and knowing that they will one day soon greet me and we will celebrate and worship together. Marty would be thrilled to see you share, in this way your gift and the truths God has revealed to you. The Lord bless you Val…I love you.
Dear Linda,
I’m so sorry for the losses you have been through. I know what you mean about how her smile began in her eyes (tears). I know she is embracing Angelina and they are happy together. It’s too bad we have to experience the sadness without them. I imagine the day that we get to heaven and celebrate with them. It’s there where the pain and sorrow ends. Death will be defeated! No more sting! I love you Linda!
My prayers are with you through this difficult time. This is such a wonderful song to help carry you through.
Even in the darkest, deepest seasons of grief God is still present. He is is a strong tower. A safehold in uncertain times. His love for us is deeper than any sea. His grace is more bountiful than the stars in heaven. Through the good and hard times God is near. Good post and reminders!
I love your words. His love is deeper than the sea and His grace more bountiful than the stars in heaven. That’s beautiful!
Thank you for sharing your heart… grief is so hard to walk through. Our Amazing Father joins us on those walks and shows us over and over just how much He loves us and feels our pain.
Marissa
What a lovely reminder that even in the midst of sorrow our God is faithful. It warmed my heart to read about the worship CD’s and how it gave you peace. Sorry for so much loss in such a short amount of time, but isn’t it amazing to know they made it to Heaven!! Praise God
Hello Rene,
Thank you for your comment. It is so very comforting to know that my loved ones are in heaven and that one day I will see them again! Thank you!
I never had the pleasure of meeting your in laws. Marty must have been an integral part of Her families faith.
With four beautiful children, it’s hard to believe you had difficulties conceiving. In God’s time, not ours, right?
Hi Aunt Linds,
I never knew you hadn’t met my in-laws.
Yes, my children came in God’s perfect timing that’s for sure. But I had a hard time waiting and learned a lot about my faith through it. Hugs!